“Excuse me,” I said to the woman sat
in front of me on the bus, “You have
some semen on the back of your
jacket.”
“I’m sure it’s not semen,” she said, “It’s
probably yoghurt.”
“It’s definitely semen,” I said,
“I don’t ejaculate yoghurt.”
0
As I sat down in the pub with my pint, I
put my Nokia 3310 on the table in front
of me. My mate immediately burst out
laughing and put his iPhone next to
mine. I gave it a disdainful look.
“Why don’t you get a better phone,
mate?” he asked.
“I don’t need one.” I replied. “My phone
does everything that I need and it’s
better than yours.”
He burst out laughing again. “Better
than mine?” he roared. “Mine has 3G,
Wi-Fi, the iMessage service, a best-in-
class browser, five megapixel camera,
access to the App Store for virtually
unlimited customisation plus a built-in
iPod for all my music. If yours is better
than mine, I’ll give you my phone.”
My wife just stormed into the pub right now as me and the boys were smoking shisha and downing shots of Tequila and alomo bitters
“You’re coming home now!” she screamed.
“No, I’m not,” I laughed.
She said, “I’m talking to the kids.
I just saw two teenage girls fighting outside a school, one of them had ripped the other ones shirt off leaving her in just a bra and getting her hair pulled violently.
I crossed the road immediately and just as well I did,
because I got a better view of the tits.
I noticed that my girlfriend was very
upset. She was sitting alone in a
corner, so I asked her, “Why are you
crying?”
She said, “I’m afraid that someday,
you’re going to have sex with another
girl.”
“I will, and she will call you Mum.”
“Haha,” she laughed. “I think you said
it wrong.”
“I know what I said.”
I saw a bitter Barcelona fan angry after their loss to Bayern raping a woman in the park last night and once he’d finished, he ran off into the distance.
So I quickly went after him.
“Please don’t!” cried the woman as I climbed on top.
I was on my way to my girlfriend’s fancy dress birthday party last night when I spotted a woman being raped.
As I stood there watching him rape her, the woman screamed,
“Why aren’t you doing something?”
“Because its just a costume luv,” I replied.
“I’m not really Batman.”
