A man received the following text from his neighbour:
I am so sorry Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you’re not around.
In fact, more than you. I’m not getting any at home, but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn autocorrect. I meant “wifi”, not “wife”.
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 17,000 times in 2013. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 6 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.
Click here to see the complete report.
My Niggas don’t trust these females when they say you’re the only one….
And Imma tell you WHY:
If your girl Bad as Fuck!!! Then about 5 Niggas try to talk to her in a day..
It’s 7 days in a week 5×7= 35..
So 35 Niggas approach her ass every week.
It’s 52 weeks in a year.. 52×35= 1,820
So 1,820 try to get at her a year…
Aint no way she turning that many Niggas down..
The Muslim Ten commandments.
1.You shall have no other gods before me. Except money and young white girls.
2. You shall not make idols. But you can make IED,s.
3. You shall not take the name of God in vain. You may cut the heads off non believers who do this.
4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Open as many hours as you can.
5. Honor your father and your mother. Honor kill your slut of a daughter.
6. You shall not murder. However, you can kill in the name of Islam.
7. You shall not commit adultery. On any of your fifteen wives.
8. You shall not steal. Benefit fraud and tax evasion is not stealing.
9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour. Unless a personal injury claim is involved.
10. You shall not covet. You should not need to. You have already robbed, killed and cheated to get everthing you want.
Get that muthafucka alone, so no one else is with you,
Sit her the fuck down and sit down right next to her. Give her something, idk Chocolate or whatever the fuck girls like, Tampons or some shit.
Hold her hands, both of them, not just one cos that’s fucking pussy.
Look into her eyes, deep as fuck, do that shit don’t just think about doing it.
Stay there for a few seconds, hold that position, then when you have big enough balls ask the bitch out.
Just five simple words “Will you be my Girlfriend?”
Cause that shit is cuter than “Will you go out with me?”
After all this you will have a girlfriend. Then you will come back and thank me for finally gettin you to stop playin with yaself..
Have fun being in a relationship Fuckers!!!
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A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.
His wife is lying in bed reading.
The man says, “This is the pig I have sex with when you’ve got a headache.”
His wife replies, “I think you’ll find that is a sheep.”
The man replies, “I think you’ll find I was talking to the sheep.”
Today, I found out that, thanks to a rare bone disease, my 6 year old daughter has only four weeks to live. I decided to read the paper to take my mind off it and discovered a suicide bomber in Baghdad has killed 30 people in a market place.
I cast aside the paper and walk to my daughter’s bedroom. I stand in the doorway, watching her sleep, thinking how cruel this world can be. Barely 6 years old and soon to be in heaven. My mind was cast back to the suicide bomber, on his way there and eager to meet the virgins that wait for him. I gently closed the bedroom door, took out my cock and moved towards my innocent child.
Fuck you, Mohammed. This is one virgin you won’t be getting your hands on.
“Hi, I’m Nonnie,” she said.
“I’m Tochy,” I replied, “but everyone calls me Dick for short.”
“How do you get Dick from Tochy?” she asked.
“You ask nicely,” I said.
I was just thinking how annoying it is when you’ve forgotten someone’s name but you’ve known them so long it’s really embarrassing to ask.
How lucky I was when the guy in front of us said,
“Do you, Susan, take this man to be your lawful …”